Thursday, September 27, 2012

One of the worst things that happened to me is thinking I'm a good guy.
Because you see,I'd live in denial of the wrong things I've done since "I'm such a nice guy".
No, people should see their bad side.Truth isn't always pretty.

Finally, a goal

I have been searching for one for quite a while,  years. It always was "I don't know".
I was walking in a dark street going to buy bread when it hit me"I'll be a nice guy". I had this idea for quite a while and I rejected it because it was "lame". It wasn't "original". And it was "limited". I always thought of goals as means in making difference in the world. Like have a goal like Guevara's or Gandhi's. Not a prophet but a human who will be written in history for his good deeds.
After I saw how I misunderstood what goals are I got back to reality and decided to be a "nice guy" and I have to tell you, it is hard.
I never knew how hard "nice" is. And it's not just being nice, it's not doing anything bad, or evil  or do anyone any wrong, and controlling what you're thinking and that's the hardest part.
I have a long way to go, I do have an idea of the things I need to do:
1)I have to sit and reflect on my actions, my thoughts. I haven't been in touch with them ever since I got a new laptop (three months ago)
2) I should have what I need not what I want.These days i feel obliged to buy the newest smartphone,I'm just buying a shiny object to blind me from seeing the emptiness my life is.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Master of Misunderstandings

I've recently had a  discussion; I adm had a fight with  a friend, and this has made me have very empty days since I spent it chatting with her all the time because I had nothing else to do all summer vacation,and it was very fun to chat with her.
It began wit I was harsh during the course of proving my point. I was very harsh, I said that I'm sorry for hurting her but not for proving my point. The days after: I got the silence treatment.  She simply didn't talk to me, which hurt. if she said "I don't want to talk to you ever again" would have sounded better than ignoring me, I mean we're friends, mature friends, we're not children.
The last message I wrote"be safe and i'd like you to remove me from your friends list" and I still got no reply so I  i now unfriended her from facebook. so it seems serious.
Don't get me wrong, I don't hate her. I still admire and respect her, for she is a great friend. I am  distressed by the way it ended. It's a misunderstanding. You see, I believe all fights are misunderstandings. I even see political /religious arguments as misunderstandings. They all believe that their point is good for everyone.
I say that I don't feel guilty about this recent "event". And I don't. However, it has been on my mind since it happened, so may be I do, may be that's why I'm writing it here, to hear people say "you should".

This "event" and passing by friend of the past yesterday tossed me to the memories of similar "events".
I came back with a result of 5. Which is a lot:
-1 and 2 happened at the same time, due to the guy in event 3. I am cool now with 1 but not yet with 2,simply because we didn't see each other ever since. I heard that he as well thinks "it's stupid".
As for 3, I hate him, I really do. He's the reason why I became friends with 4 and why I hated her because of their fights during their love affair...Long story about two lame people.
5 however is a painful story. he was a middle school friend,I always admired him for his hard work and aspiration and prayed he'd succeed in life and get into a good college. I always asked my friend about him all times and till someday he told me that 5 doesn't think of me as a friend because of something I said on the phone. I remember that event, I was calling to say goodbye: since I was leaving to Syria, we talked as usual,I said the horrible thing in sarcasm that he apparently didn't get. I left and after 3 years of no contact I heard the news. I still didn't care much about it  until we met. all three of us 5,the mutual friend and I. He was with his little brother, I was happy to see him. My feelings of joy soon dissipated when I saw him ignoring me, not looking at me, and doing all the talk with the mutual friend. Why man? I love you.
1,2,3 and 5 were all best friends to me at a certain time. We talked on the phone endlessly, shared secrets, had inside jokes and the whole nine yards...
I don't hate them(except for 3 and 4: I loathe those two). I find it silly. I love them, they're my friends, even if they don't think so. I wish them all the best. seriously, why shouldn't I? It's a misunderstanding, and what's stopping me from being to be friends with them is fear  of apologizing for  and how awkward it'll be.
I'll write to the friend i had a fight with but not now, she won't reply I guess.
I shared a lot and it drove me off my point, to a question: you see,I look at my friends and wonder would it happen with him?would this end?is it me? is this another demon that I haven't known before? 

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Girls, Cars and Food.

I am starting to hate the people in my area. I live in quite a lively area in Baghdad. The society where I live in is becoming more and more shallow. This is why there is very little hope for my country, the vast majority are dumb asses. And it's not like I can do something about it, I'm a coward.
Yep, If there's anything I learned in the last four years is that I'm live in the shadows of fear.
Funny how I used to advice people to "be brave".
However,I'm having a list of the things I fear in order to determine the negative aspects of me.
I wanted to write something positive about myself but couldn't bring myself to it, I can't, i find it very conceited.
On a somewhat different matter, I found out last year that my friends and family complete me. I can say that my parent's built me and my friends complete me, although I still learn from my parents.
I see my reflection in them, the effects of my actions.So maybe I'm the negative part and they're the positive one? I sure do hope so. I am starting to dislike the times when I keep criticizing myself.
Here's a link on how France was expected to be in the year 2000, these illustrations were made in 1900. It showed me how wild the mind is and somehow I saw that the vast imagination actually has limits.

Friday, July 20, 2012

not myself

I know i need to write.
I need to communicate with myself.
I don't know what's bothering me, I don;t know who I am. Nobody knows who they are, but I stopped trying, something is wrong with me. and here I am doing nothing about it,smothering myself with magna and watching TV shows one after the other. My intelligence has remarkably dropped since last year, studying wise and self-analytic wise.
I am not afraid anymore,because I don't know anything. I've become an ignorant.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Deep Down

I have been befuddled, I have been comforted, I have been happy and latly I have been sad, in fact disappointed.
All the feelings were brought about by "me".
Recently I haven't been in touch with myself, my thoughts, my inner voice. Noises, noises, noises. that was all i could hear. till i got depressed and asked myself the good old question : "Who am I?"
This was hard to swallow, I thought of myself as a person in his early twnties, well satisfied with his low self-esteem who aspires to find courage within himself to say the truth and try to change what he sees as wrong. However, in a "word association" game I had with my friends two nights ago I was shocked by the darkness I hold.
I know so little of myself. I convicted close people of being inconsiderate of my feelings and forgot to put into account what goes around in their world.
I find myself bewildered: what to do? In order to be in peace with the others i need to be in peace with myself but the deeper i get the darker it gets, I'm afraid I might not like what I find.